How to make Easy Bread

We have made our own bread for many years now, probably about twice a week.  This is mainly because Italian bread is mostly holes and therefore absolute crap for spreading anything on.  It also toasts pretty poorly and as we love bacon and eggs on toast we were forced to adapt.  We make a few variations such as Tomato bread and four cheese bread and normally make a loaf in a half kilo tin.  We have a tried and tested simple bread that we like and probably so will you.

Ingredients for a half Kilo loaf of bread

500g of ordinary flour
300ml lukewarm water
A sachet of dried yeast (7g)
1/2 Tsp. salt
2 Level Tsp. of sugar

Instructions

Combine all the dry ingredients in a bowl with a wooden spoon.  Lob in the lukewarm water and mix it all together as best you can, then scrape whatever you can from the wooden spoon, stick your hand in and mould it altogether into an amorphous blob making sure you get all the crappy bits from the side of the bowl as well.  Then flop it onto a floured board and inspect your fingernails....they should be wonderfully clean, another bonus of bread making.

Knead the bread for about 4-5 minutes.  Basically, grab an edge with the thumb and forefinger of one hand, fold it over and then press it down and away from you with the heel of the other hand.  keep doing this until you have almost turned the entire lump of dough inside out.  If it's too wet, as it invariably is, sprinkle more flour on top between kneads, if too dry add more water.  Ensure you keep your hands covered in flour, not for the bread but for the added bonus of grabbing K from behind and giving her a flour finger bra...how she chuckles.   When the dough is lovely and smooth, dump it back in the bowl, cover with a cloth and leave to double in size...time for a sip of wine perhaps.

When the dough has doubled in size scrape it out of the bowl and knock it back or rather, knead it back to the smaller size again and stick it back in the bowl and cover.  You can do this as many times as you wish and we would say that the more times you knock it back, the better the bread is.  However, it depends on what you are up to and how much wine you have available.  If you can't be arsed to keep knocking it back, lightly oil your bread tin and by that we mean drizzle some oil in the tin then wipe round with kitchen roll, do not drown the bugger. The last knock back before dropping into the tin should be as gentle as possible, just try and stretch the air bubbles out don't beat the crap out of it. Drop the dough into the tin and gently push it out to cover the bottom, sprinkle a little flour on top, cover and leave until it starts to rise over the sides of the tin.

When it's up to the sides of the tin, get the oven pre-heated to 230c and set about slashing the top of the dough.  Don't go Psycho, just get a sharp knife and drag it across the dough at a depth of about an inch in whatever pattern you fancy.  When the oven is up to heat put the tin inside and leave for 15 minutes.. DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR OF THE OVEN, just stare blankly at the glass door you wish you had cleaned and have another sip of wine.  After 15 minutes, turn the oven down to 200c and turn the tin 180 degrees and wait another 15 minutes.  At this point the bread may be removed from the oven.  Drop it violently on a board and hope to God that the bread falls out in one lump, it should do if you oiled the tin, if you didn't I bet you feel a numpty now.  Anyway, once the bread is removed from the tin place it back in the oven, still at 200c for about 5 minutes this will brown and crisp the sides.  After 5 minutes extract the hand burning bread and bravely tap it on the bottom looking as manly as possible as your skin dissolves.  If it sounds hollow it's done if it don't give it another few minutes.  When happy, place it on a rack to cool, it should make crackling noises and smell like the armpits of the Gods.  At least wait till it's cool to slice or it will be a doughy mess and you may slice off the end of your finger (bitter experience).  Then enjoy and raise a glass to Two Left Wellies.